 | Currently Listening
Yanqui U.X.O.
By Godspeed You Black Emperor, Godspeed You! Black Emperor
Motherfucker Redeemer Part I
see related |
My life has been laced with impersonal ties to everyone and has been the focus of nobody’s attention. I grew up with both parents working, never feeling loved by either of them. My two older brothers were charged with my well-being but rather assumed the role of tormentors. I never felt taken care of as a child so I never learned that I mattered, deserved help with my problems, or should be noticed—so I lived with my family members alone. Higher intelligence caused me to lose interest in my peers. I was left alone in the world, coexisting with familiar yet impersonal souls in every facet of life. In middle school, I had taken to doing everything for myself, relying on my parents only for financial needs. I looked to internet-made friends to fill my social needs, and although the friends lasted for years, their friendships were inadequate. Freshman year I tried new and old activities to see if my peers matured yet but was only disappointed. My final assault to make some sort of connection with people was to admit my homosexuality. My hope of finding common ground with anyone was greeted with a blow my fragile psyche failed to overcome. Living without friends, family, any activity that brought me happiness, and now the stress of a homophobic high school was too much. That winter I made a list of people who would care if I killed myself, people with whom I would feel guilty for burdening with my death. That list was absolutely empty. I attempted to kill myself once by deliberately landing on my neck after jumping on my trampoline. I ended up lying about my hurt neck; saying it was accidental. My parents thought nothing more than to schedule a chiropractic appointment. Fortunately, though, one other event occurred during that dismal winter. I was in a musical and two important things happened: I met people with whom I could relate, and discovered a love for performing. These two things saved me. Although I still wanted to kill myself, I decided to wait and see if anything worthwhile would happen. Nothing spectacular occurred, but the suicidal thoughts vanished. Getting through that episode was fundamental in developing the character that I am now. For years I was independent in action, by taking care of myself. Now I had begun the stage of becoming independent in thought. Through the course of that year, I developed my political beliefs, but most important, I developed my personal philosophies. I had finally become secure in myself and, later, helped friends accept their sexuality. I assumed the role as unofficial psychiatrist for the high school choir. I gave my spare time to a community theater. I experienced more joy that year learning and helping people, than I could remember. For the first time I felt happy. I am pursuing your institution, seeking to continue my pleasure from both learning and helping peers. (my college essay as well.) | 
